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相信有很多做父母的都有过当面谈论孩子的经历吧？当面谈论孩子，或者在孩子可以听见的情况下谈论孩子，可能会伤害孩子的自尊。那么，应该如何正确的引导孩子呢？快来看看下面专家是怎么说的吧！
When at the dinner table recapping the workday or chatting with a friend as the kids play in the other room, we can easily forget that they hear everything. Sometimes, we don't remember until they repeat a tidbit they overheard us use on the phone the other day.
当我们和朋友在餐桌前回顾一天的工作或者闲聊时，如果孩子们在隔壁房间玩耍，那么我们很可能会忽略他们会听见我们所说的一切这一事实。有时，我们甚至不记得我们曾经说过某些话，直到有一天他们会重复他们所听见的、我们之前打电话时所说过的话。
As some families spend a lot more time together thanks to work-from-home opportunities and virtual schooling options, their time to have conversations without kids around is limited. Even if the kids are in the other room playing, it gives them much more time to hear chatter between adults. What is it doing to children's development and self-esteem when those conversations are about them — the good and the bad?
由于居家办公和在线教育方案，许多家庭在一起的时间比之前更多了，而家人在孩子们不在场时进行对话的时间就就变少了。即使孩子是在其他房间玩耍，他们也会更有机会听到成人之间的闲聊。那么，成人之间关于孩子的谈话会对孩子的成长和自尊产生哪些影响-益处和坏处是什么？
By the age of 5, children have already developed self-esteem. This is when "they are likely to listen to what people say and form opinions based on their interactions with others," according to Sanam Hafeez, a New York City neuropsychologist who is the director of Comprehend the Mind.
到5岁时，孩子的自尊已经形成。根据Sanam Hafeez，纽约市神经心理学家、Comprehend the Mind主任介绍说，“孩子们在这个年龄段倾向于听别人说并会根据自己与他人的互动形成观念。”
Researchers have found that boys have more positive self-talk when their parents speak kindly with them; for girls, it is teachers who are thought to hold a bigger influence. Right now, however, many parents are acting as teachers because of widespread distance learning.
研究者们发现，当男孩的父母对他们有好的评价时，他们会有更加积极的自我暗示。对于女孩而言，教师的影响更大。现在，由于远程学习越来越普遍，许多父母同时也承担着教师的角色。
Self-talk：自我暗示
The words you use when talking about your child matter, and this is true even when you are talking about other people. Researchers have found that when children overhear your negative feelings about a group, they take on your thoughts and feelings.
当谈论自己的孩子时，你所说的话很重要。即使是在谈论其他人时，也是如此。研究人员发现，当孩子无意中听到你对某群人的不满情绪时，他们也会和你有一样的想法和感受。
In other words, hearing you vent (especially about friends or family members) can have a negative impact on your children's development at a time where they are trying to manage other people's feelings in relation to their own.
换句话说，当听到你愤怒的表述，特别是针对某些朋友或家人时，你的愤怒会对孩子的成长产生负面影响。成长中的孩子正在尝试应对与自己情感上有关联的其他人的情感。
"From our own work, we've found that children can develop biases towards groups of people that they've never met by merely overhearing someone on a phone call or video call make derogatory statements about those groups," Jonathan D. Lane, an assistant professor of psychology and human development at Vanderbilt University, told Insider. "It's a reasonable prediction that these effects would also emerge among children who overhear family at the dinner table making derogatory comments about other people."
“通过我们所做的研究，我们发现孩子们仅仅是在听到有人在电话里或视频电话中针对某些人群做出负面评价时就会对这些人群形成偏见，哪怕他们从来没有接触过这些人群，”Jonathan D. Lane，范德堡大学心理学和人类发展助教向Insider介绍到。“我们可以合理地预测到，当孩子们在餐桌前听到家人针对另外一些人做出负面评价时，他们也会产生同样的反应。”
What to remember when talking about kids
谈论孩子时应该记住的要点
This doesn't mean you need to stop talking to friends and family members about children.
这不是说你不可以和朋友和家人谈论孩子们。
According to Dr. Sara Huberman Carbone, a pediatric program medical director at One Medical, the key is to focus on talking about behaviors versus characteristics. By talking about positive things that kids can control, you can boost their self-esteem while allowing them to distinguish their own feelings.
根据Sara Huberman Carbone博士，One Medical儿科项目医学主任的建议，谈论孩子时应把重点放在孩子的具体行为而非品性上面。通过谈论孩子可以掌控的积极做法，您可以提升孩子的自尊，同时还可以让孩子们了解自己的感受。
Characteristics: 品性、品格。
When talking about negative behavior, Huberman Carbone recommends addressing it in real time, as afterward children have a hard time relating discussions to earlier events.
当谈论孩子一些不好的行为时，Huberman Carbone建议，应该在第一时间提出，因为在不好的行为发生之后再提出时，孩子可能无法将谈话与之前的事情联系起来。
This doesn't mean that praising your child should be a free-for-all. Even when speaking positively about your child, you should watch the language you use.
这并不意味着可以放任夸奖自己的孩子。即使是在夸赞孩子时，您也应该注意自己的措辞。
"Saying, 'She's so smart,' can create an expectation that a child feels they have to live up to and can negatively affect confidence," Huberman Carbone said. "Instead, discussing your child's effort will encourage them to embrace challenges, learn, and explore new things. For example, saying, 'I can see you put a lot of time and thought into your project,' focuses on the work they have done and the effort they have put in."
“比如说，‘她真聪明’，这句话会形成一种期望，孩子认为他必须要达到这种期望，而这种期望会对孩子的自信心产生负面影响，”Huberman Carbone表示。“相反，说孩子很努力可以鼓励孩子面对挑战、学习以及探索未知的事物。比如说，‘我可以看到你在这次的作业中付出了很多时间和努力’，这样表达关注的是他们所完成的任务和他们所付出的努力。”
来源：Insider 编辑&整理：译锐翻译